Read the new summer blog from our colleague, Feather Berkower of Parenting Safe Children. She shares what she learned from spending time with sex offenders about how to protect children from being abused.

Dear Stop It Now!,

My daughter was dating a boy, both were 13 years-old. He put his arm around her. He had his hand on her bottom under her pants. She moved away and never said stop. Then he did it again, and once she told him not to do it again, he said ok.  She is concerned because she did not say no, but did not say yes. Is that assault or just innocent? This was a year and half ago.

Please share your feedback

Dear Concerned Parent,

It's great that you're asking these questions, and that you have the kind of relationship with your daughter where she feels comfortable sharing concerns like these that come up between her and her boyfriend. 

Teaching Youth About Healthy Relationships
This does not sound like assault to me, as after your daughter said no, it sounds like he listened - he did not continue to push her boundaries or force her to do something she was uncomfortable with. Of course, ideally, he would also be able to pick up on the more subtle cues that she is uncomfortable, but learning how each individual expresses discomfort can be a learning process as youth navigate their first relationships. Perhaps this can open up a larger conversation between them about what their faces and body language tend to do when each of them are uneasy about something, so that the other person can learn to stop and check-in with them. And they can also practice saying "no" and hearing that "no" from each other - it's common, as kids are exploring this type of relationship, that each child's pace around what they feel safe doing may be different at different times. Ask your daughter and her boyfriend to reflect on these questions:

  • How do you express to your partner that you're uncomfortable verbally? 
  • Are there non-verbal cues that you want your partner to know about when you're feeling stressed, uneasy, confused, or scared so that they're able to stop and check-in with you?
  • What happens when you hear a "no", "stop", or "I'm uncomfortable" from your partner? It can be difficult to hear these things, so how will you process this and give your partner space? Do you have a person you can go to for support?
  • How do you set limits when someone you care about is asking you to do something you may not want to do? 
  • How will you know when your boundaries have been crossed? What kind of red flags can you be on the lookout for, and what kind of feelings might your body have in these situations?
  • What happens if someone crosses a boundary with you - your partner or maybe even a friend - what will you do, and who can you turn to for help and support? Do you feel comfortable asking for help? If not, practice doing so in lower-risk situations, so that it feels easier if you need to talk about something big.

Ongoing Talks About Safety
These conversations are important so that your daughter can grow, learn, and advocate for herself, and these can be tied to the overall talks you have about consent, healthy sexuality, relationships, boundaries, and even about your own values about dating right now. We tend to call this Safety Planning, and having ongoing conversations like these doesn't have to be stressful or even formal; it can coincide with rides in the car together or be spurred on by a movie you both are watching. There are so many opportunities in everyday life for getting your daughter's take on what's going on in the world and how she would respond to certain situations to help her think critically as she grows. I've included some information and resources below if you're interested that you may want to look at together with (or pass along to) your daughter.

  • Love is Respect's Relationship Spectrum
  • Sex, Etc.: An organization by teens for teens that has articles and videos on identity, masturbation, sex, and what’s normal and healthy for their body.
  • Scarlateen: A sexuality and relationships education and support organization for youth and young adults.
  • Amaze: An educational resource tool for children and teens ages 10-14 about puberty. 

Tuning In to Other Warning Signs
It's also possible that your daughter shared this with you because she has additional concerns about something going on in her relationship. It's possible she could be "testing the waters" to see how you're reacting, and by being calm and grounded and talking about safety, you're showing her that she can trust you. You may even want to ask her directly - Is there something more going on that you want to share with me? Is anything happening or that has happened that's making you feel weird, scared or uncomfortable? Sometimes even people we love dearly can violate one of our boundaries or make us feel scared - but if that happens, it's never your fault and you won't get in trouble. My goal is to help keep you safe, and I'm here to listen - always. If you notice any changes in her behavior, like regressive behaviors, unexplained bruises or cuts, or any of these Warning Signs in Children of Possible Sexual Abuse, I would encourage you to schedule a check-up with your daughter's pedaitrician. They can rule out any underlying medical condition, and if needed, get you some referrals for her for a therapist.

Again, it's great that you reached out and are there for your daughter. I hope this information is helpful. 

Take care,
Stop It Now!

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Last edited on: July 27th, 2021

Dear Stop It Now!,

When I was about 18 or 19, my ex boyfriend said something awful to a child who was about 10 years old at the time. We were all drinking and my ex is one for “dark jokes”. I know he said it as a joke but it made myself and my friends really uncomfortable and we asked him to stop. He was really intimidating and we were really cowardly to do anything else. I felt worse because I stayed with him for a bit but then saw sense and left. Years later, I know now myself and my friends would directly and ruthlessly challenge this sort of behavior and shut it down. I just feel like I’ve failed a child and that I wish I could turn back and be more direct with my approach.

Please share your feedback

Dear Concerned Bystander,

I can tell what a caring individual you are, and I'm so glad you're reaching out to us with this question. I certainly don't want you to beat yourself up over something that happened 10 years ago when you were barely an adult yourself, and I want to say that it's great that you took the time to speak up in that moment - even small steps like that can make an impact on a child. 

It's really fantastic that you and your friends now feel empowered to speak up loudly and clearly when you notice a child may be put in a vulnerable position. You may even come across a time in the future when your own safety may be at risk if you were to need to speak out - so please remember to always put your own well-being first in any potential scenario like this. Someone who is violent or threatening is not always someone who needs to be confronted in the moment; always use your best judgement.

If you were to ever notice that a person is displaying any of these Signs an Adult is At Risk to Harm a Child, or creating a situation that Makes Kids Vulnerable to Abuse, take the time to share with them how this behavior is not okay. Sometimes it's as simple as saying "Hey, there's kids around - this is a conversation for adult ears only, please knock it off" or "You know, we actually don't use adult-like language or jokes around kids - that's part of our Safety Plan, and I'm asking you to follow these same rules too" can be all that's needed, and sometimes a situation may call for a more complex response. 

If you need to have a sit-down talk with someone, pick a time where you can have this discussion privately and without any other obligations (doctors appointments, work, classes, etc.) afterwards. Similarly, you may also want to make sure that children are not around, and that the person you're talking to didn't just walk in from a long day at work - as people may need some time to themselves first. Share what you noticed; talk about behaviors (things we can see) rather than intent (which we can't see) and use our tip sheets above to clearly articulate what you witnessed. Then state why the behavior wasn't okay, how it isn't safe and the impact to the children involved. For example, "When we make inappropriate jokes in front of or about children, it normalizes this type of behavior for this child. We want kids to get the message that this type of behavior isn't okay, so that if something like that did happen they'd speak up and tell someone, not brush it off as typical or acceptable because other adults in their lives do this too. Loose boundaries can make kids more susceptible to abuse." Finally, describe what you're asking this adult to do, i.e. follow a safety plan or not make inappropriate jokes. We designed a guidebook called Let's Talk just for these types of conversations.

I also want to name that it's normal to feel like we could have done something more when we learn more about how to intervene in situations like these but please, know you absolutely didn't do anything wrong all those years ago. When we know more and feel confident about speaking up, it allows us to take bolder steps in our own lives - something it sounds like you and your friends have been doing already. Keep using your voice, and please do be gentle with yourself and remember that you already took a brave step back then by talking with someone who scared you - that's not easy, and I'm sure it took a lot of courage. If you do find that you're thinking about this incident a lot, that you're feeling guilty or ashamed or any other emotion that starts to impact your life, please do think about sharing your feelings with a Therapist.

Take care,
Stop It Now!

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Last edited on: May 10th, 2021

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Suggested Prerequisite: Understanding the Role of Healthy Sexuality Development and Education in Sexual Abuse Prevention

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The Special Investigative Counsel, Louis Freeh, has released his report on the investigation into how Penn State University leaders handled matters related to child sexual abuse committed by Jerry Sandusky. Their key finding of the investigation was:

"the total disregard for the safety and welfare of Sandusky’s child victims by the most senior leaders at Penn State. The most powerful men at Penn State failed to take any steps for 14 years to protect the children who Sandusky victimized."

Guily Verdicts Opportunity for Prevention

As supporters of Stop It Now!, we imagine that like us, you have been following yesterday’s jury verdicts in both the Jerry Sandusky child sexual abuse trial and the Msgr. Lynn child endangerment trial.   In both cases, individual men have been found guilty.  Sandusky was found guilty for his actions.  Lynn was found guilty for his inaction. 

After years of working individually at the national level, Stop It Now! and Darkness to Light have joined forces to help advance the national movement to prevent child sexual abuse. Over the next three years, we will be working together on three goals:

Do you know what US adults think about preventing child sexual abuse? 

  • Do most adults believe that strangers are the biggest risk to children?
  • What do adults say that they would do if faced with suspected abuse?
  • Do they support treatment for offenders?

You can now find prevention and education resources on the national registry website, including links to StopItNow.org

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