Adult admitted being attracted to children and I'm worried about his risk

Hello,
Thanks for reaching out to us about this. We can't know what happens if this couple has a daughter but from all that this man shared, we do know he is worried about his ability to stay safe around girls. It makes sense that you're wondering about whether he can be safe around any kids right now. It is clear he needs help around this. There is help available, and there are steps which you, your friend, and her husband can take to support child safety. 

Your Friend's Perspective
There are so many Practical Difficulties that may be at the front of your friend's mind right now. It sounds like she feels as if there's nothing she can do about any of this. It would make sense for her to feel this way. Many people in her position feel similarly isolated and disempowered when a partner shares they are struggling with an attraction to children.

Turning to faith is absolutely healthy and expected during a personal crisis. Sometimes people get stuck, overwhelmed, even intimidated by next steps. Your friend may feel like it’s easier or even more important to surrender to her faith and let the details go. She may also still love her husband and want to show him respect by giving him space around this. 

However, your friend does have safety steps she can take. It is a parent's job to take an active role in ensuring safety. You're right that an adult who feels attraction to children may be at-risk to abuse - in this case, this man has said as much. Maybe that's even why he told her about this in the first place. Even if he isn't behaving in ways which threaten the safety of his children, he clearly needs and wants help staying safe. His disclosure should not be brushed aside - it needs to be taken seriously and steps to ensure the safety of children and youth he comes into contact with must be taken.

Noticing Behaviors
I'm curious, have you ever felt concerned about the way her husband acts around children? Though you may not have any specific concerns in mind, it is still a good idea to take a look at our tip sheets all about warning signs in adults: Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children and Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child. These tip sheets help people name behaviors they've seen and felt concerned about, but weren't able to previously put to words. Being aware of warning signs can help caring adults further plan for safety. I encourage you to share these tip sheets with her, too. 

Reflecting and Connecting
I'm also curious, what was the friend looking for when she reached out to you? It could have been to "check" if she was overreacting/underreacting, to get your opinion on how she's handling things, or something else entirely.  If she is open to action steps I hope you can talk with her about the help available for her husband. With the support of a professional, he can learn strategies to live a healthy and abuse-free life. You may consider reading through this guidebook, Let's Talk, where we frame out having these tough conversations. 

Help for Adults At-Risk
In terms of help for her husband, our resources for People Concerned About Their Thoughts and Behaviors Towards Children may be of interest to him. Working with a therapist is one great way to process what's coming up while staying safe and accountable. There are many people who have had trouble with sexual feelings, interests and/or behaviors that have felt out of control and who now live healthy, happy and abuse-free lives. Someone who specializes in working with adult sexual behavior concerns or sex-specific treatment can give him the tools that can help him manage any feelings or behaviors that may be worrisome. The best resource to search for this type of sex-specific counseling would be through ATSA's Referral Directory, an organization that promotes the prevention and treatment of sex abuse and has a membership of professionals who work with individuals who have or may be at-risk to sexually abuse, as well as their friends and families. He may also find support reading through these advice columns which are about related concerns:

• What should I do about my sexual thoughts about children?
• Are there resources for adults with sexual thoughts about children but who haven't abused?

I also want to invite your friend's husband to reach out to us directly. We can answer any questions he may have about next steps, and we can talk about potential resources that would suit his needs. This is a really complicated, personal issue that often leaves people feeling isolated. He deserves support, as this will help keep him and children safe.  

I don't know if you are in a position to speak yourself with her husband. If you are and if you feel assured that your own safety is not at risk, you can let him know that his spouse shared with you that he is struggling with thoughts and feelings that could put both him and a child at risk and that  you want him to know that there are resources to help him stay safe. Your conversation, if you choose to have one, does not have to be accusatory but rather you can let him know that you care about him and his family, and that you want him to have a healthy, happy and harm-free life. Again, our guidebook, Let's Talk, can be helpful in preparing for this conversation.

Support for Your Friend
How is your friend doing with all of this? As hard as it can be to watch the people we love go through such a painful experience, it’s important not to push your friend into steps she isn’t ready to take yet. Pushing too hard can turn support into pressure. If you are able, being there for your friend as she processes this at her own pace is a valuable role you can take. It may help to gently let her know about seeking support for herself, as well. Therapists who are members of ATSA also often work with partners of adults who are affected by this, so your friend may consider reaching out to them as well; that link is in the paragraph above. Since she's strong in her faith another idea would be for her to reach out to a faith leader for support. She doesn't have to share details with them necessarily, but she can tell them she's dealing with a family concern and would really use their support. 

Other Actions to Support Safety
This would also be a good time for your friend and her husband to strengthen their family guidelines about safe behavior between children and adults. Safety planning involves communicating about clear rules which apply to all people in the home---adults and children. These rules help keep everyone safe, and they give kids the language to talk about whenever someone makes them feel weird, scared, unsafe, or unsure. These are helpful guidelines for all families, regardless of whether there is a concern or not. This may also help your friend feel more empowered around this situation where she might feel really powerless. It may also be important for her to talk with her husband about how to ensure safety during times when their children have friends over the house who are young girls.

Planning for safety involves thinking ahead. This means having hard conversations about what is appropriate and safe for everyone right now, and what's non-negotiable in terms of help, support, or supervision. I've included some additional resources below to help your friend and her husband in maintaining safe environments for everyone in their family and community:

• Create A Family Safety Plan
• Everyday Actions To Keep Kids Safe
• Talking to Children and Teens

Potential for Reporting
We've talked about a lot of options in this email. I don't know the full story here. If you or your friend is worried that her husband is abusing a child in their lives, then she only needs a suspicion, not proof, to file a report. To learn more, think about taking a look at our Reporting resource guide. There we answer commonly asked questions about reporting and share links to helpful resources. 

Your Own Support 
I’m also curious, how have you been doing since she shared this with you? There is no expected response or feeling after something like this – it affects everyone differently. Many people choose to move forward and take care of themselves, no matter what the other person chooses. So, I do hope that you have the support of another friend, family member, faith leader, or even your own therapist. You don't need to share details, just that you learned something personal recently about someone close to you and it is really affecting you. Even having general support from someone you trust can help you process any complicated emotions as they come up. 

Take care, 
Stop It Now!