Difficult Conversations Between Partners

Conversations in Prevention, October 2, 2017

Of those reaching out to the Stop It Now! Helpline in the past 12 months because they were concerned that an adult they knew was a risk to children, 7% identified their relationship to the person as spouse or partner.

While the role of the bystander is often very complicated and confusing, one of the more difficult situations for a bystander to be in is when there is a concern that someone they love could pose a risk to children.

Just the very act of reaching out and asking for advice and information is a scary notion. How does one say that they think someone they love, perhaps intimately, is looking at children online – with sexual intent? How does a girlfriend go about reconciling the possibility that her beloved is viewing child pornography? What might a wife think others will think about her if she speaks up about her concerns with her husband’s online behaviors? What might a father worry about who wonders if his own brother could be a risk to his children? The courage in reaching out to take the next step – whatever that step might be – is evident.

There is the “yuck” factor, “how could anyone I love be interested in that?”, which can bring in its own type of self-loathing. Then there is the fear and guilt factor that if concerns are spoken out loud, lives will be forever changed. It can feel near impossible to reach past all of that to speak up and take protective actions. But that’s exactly what we need to do to help keep children safe – and to help the adults we love and care about.

Typically, bystanders ask the Helpline, “When is the right time to speak up”? Does a concerned partner speak up when she’s found child pornography searches on the home computer or wait until she has found an actual file of sexual abuse images? Does a worried sibling speak up after noticing his brother talking in sexual terms to his daughter or after his daughter tells him that she’s uncomfortable with her uncle? The answer is to speak up as soon as you have any concern about a child’s safety.

It’s important to trust our first instinct that something seems off, seems strange, seems concerning. Often our gut instincts are in response to a warning sign we haven’t put into words yet. By following our instincts, we can learn more about what’s happening.

Having that initial conversation can often be the difference between an adult crossing the line and causing sexual harm to a child and preventing it before any harm occurs. We’ve heard from many people with sexual behavior problems that they wished someone had spoken up directly to them about their concerns and asked, “What is going on”? Our Let’s Talk booklet shares some tips for Having the Talk and while nothing is as easy as steps in a guidebook may indicate, there are indeed some tips to help introduce your concerns in a caring and compassionate conversation.

Before having a talk, it can first be helpful to learn more about typical warning signs; these can help any concerned adult know what to look for when wondering about safety between an adult and a child. While we may not know the intentions of any one adult, his or her behaviors can inform us of potential risks to safe boundaries and indicate that privacy and respectful guidelines are being ignored. We can be better prepared when we’re able to identify the behaviors that raise warning flags.

When we prepare to have a conversation with someone about their behaviors, it’s best to find shared ground, such as “I know we both want the best for the children in our school.” Or, if you really feel it, start with the simple words, “I really care about you.” It’s important to convey a sense that help and support is available.

We can talk about these warning signs as behaviors that create unsafe conditions, instead of accusing someone of harmful intent. It’s easier to say to someone we care about, “I notice that you frequently invite children into your house to see your model car collection” than, “I think you’re trying to get children alone.” Explore the situation without blame or accusation.

Often a turning point can be the realization that help is available. Many adults who are struggling with sexual attraction for children do not realize that there is professional help and support for them. Providing them with the hope that they can, with professional treatment, find healthy and safe ways to manage their attraction without harming a child can be a life changer.

While there are many more tips to successful conversations, it is rare that this conversation is a one-time talk. It’s helpful to be prepared for denial, anger or even a complete shutdown. It’s ok to regroup and talk again later. What’s really critical is that safety should always be a priority, and at any time, if the situation feels unsafe, the conversation should end.

It’s not easy to be a bystander who cares about an adult who may be a risk to children’s safety – it’s important to find support and understanding. There are difficult and even scary feelings that can accompany the concerns and recognition of warning signs in an adult who is at-risk to harm a child. It’s natural to feel confused, wonder about one’s own ability to love someone who could be “like this” and even experience shame. This is the nature of sexual abuse – it confuses and shames us. Our biggest antidote is to confront this confusion and shame with support, accurate information and a plan.

To continue this conversation, sign-up for our webinar on October 11, 2017 "Dear Stop It Now! Helpline - I'm worried my partner is a pedophile."